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On top of the landfill

i sat upright in my filthy white bed, chain smoking cigarette after cigarette, comparing to something like a toxic cloud the sun never managed to reach.

i listened closely to the swarm of flies circling above my head
in my very own polluted city
observing them dart into the window tumultuously bouncing off like small stones.
somehow they knew me and just like everything else, desperately wanted a way out.

i know its hard being trapped in something rotting before your eyes

i tangled up the last words on the page i was incoherently reading loosely folded it over and shut the heavy end.
the nurse teetered over like a feign crow, wearing a black button down silk shirt under her white cardboard coat, her dull yellow eyes rose up through the smoke
coming to peck out my right eye
Peculate my golden lip

“Already?” she said condescendingly.

I let out the shadow of a breath, and turned over to my mausoleum of files at the window sill.

let me be, let me die
squirming worms of the dirt i swallowed still move inside
undress me from the old man i live in
pull down his is grey ash eyelids
let me forget my journals and books
my boxes of a barren identity.

cecropia

I watched while he approached the door, and pass through like some kind of apparition. the other soon dissolved, along with all the alcohol, right into the back of my head.

it knew it about him, the way he stood, the way he slipped into my future without lifting an ounce of reality.

I just wanted to like him, I just wanted to like something.

anything.

to soak in a river of guilt, clothed in the salts, skin on skin on skin. 

I spoke to myself while no one listened, but only because I built it that way, I diluted my body and neglected my machine, because I felt nothing, and I knew it to be truth.

i disassembled in the bronze street the night created, and watched him blur into the septic luminescent glow.

i looked down to my feet, I felt drunk and cocooned in my expanding soul, head full of stones. 

I glanced up to the street lamp and followed the moths dive around blindly, drugged and entranced by its sterile incandescents. I knew i felt about him, the way all the moths did in the lights.

i loved it for everything it wasn’t, and only wanted to climb inside to capture and revel in the beauty it managed to obtain because even the facade was more than me, and better than I deserved. 

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